thenest

hm. have nests evolved? they've just always been this perfectly built circle, twig by twig, by grass blade, by grass blade. always making these circles for comfort. for mama birds hot ass, and baby birds shells. always this round circle. never has papa bird said "i'm going to build a cellar on this nest."



there are so many unanswered questions with the dad who locked his daughter in the cellar thing.

i liked how one tabloid - i mean newspaper - called it the "austrian syndrome" or something like that. apparently this has happened before in austria, and now all the austrians need to be assessed.

this was more than locking her in a basement. this was calculated fairytale shit. this was i'm building a cellar for my daughters 19th birthday stuff. this was when sleeping beauty turns 21, she will be kissed by a prince. aren't the bulk of fairytales from eastern europe?

so many pieces not quite put together. i hope it turns out that the grandmother - his wife - her mom - is senile. i hope she like, has some kind of mental disability. what woman knows not their house? what woman knows not their garden? where the one child was burned.

al roker is shrinking again. good for him. maybe he got another stomach surgery? is that legal?

i open the. fire door to 4 lips. none of which were mine, kissing.
tight my belt around my hips. where your hands were missing.
-a. difranco.

ralphlympics

i had a dream that i had to get my legs amputated below the knee, without anestetic. my brother was there. and then they decided against the surgery. very stressful dream.

and then monique and i went to a ralph lauren warehouse sale. i bought a few dresses, and then a plaid shirt for joshua. he liked the shirt so much, that he and i went back to the warehouse sale, and he purchased a bunch of fishing equipment, and some clothes. ralph lauren bought the rights to coleman fishing equipment.

well wipe the dust off of your wings,
and the sleep out of your eyes.
-t. van zandt

so yesterday was superstitious. i kept having blossoms fall on me from the sky. the 50s kept saying oh, that means you are fertile.
now this is strange talk for them. yesterday's lunch was highly focused on the fact that i am fertile, and them finding someone to make me un-fertile. again, they never talk about that. they are more interested in telling stories.

2 birds have set up shop in one of my hanging plants. have i mentioned this? not only 2 birds - 2 bird FAMILIES. i guess they were really close. the families. they were like "sure, lets go lay eggs, but can't we do it with johnny and claire? lets find a spot where we can all lay eggs together." so that very spot is my 12 dollar hanging plant from home depot.
one of the bird nests has 5 eggs.
again, did you know its good luck when a bird lays nest in your house? and what about 2 bird nests?
lucky son-of-a-gun.

so there are 5 eggs. did you know that bluejays eat sparrow eggs? they do. while mr. bird goes out foraging for food, mrs. bird sits by the nest, protecting it from bluejays. apparently the blue jay is a modern day teradactyl. i am goign to watch the whole thing first-hand of course. i'll keep you posted.

there is a photographer i found that takes pictures of animals in houses. like, wild animals.
this is my version on the theme

sublime.

well isn't this just.

plaid shirt

new grunge.



laptop guitar sun feet cords plaid shirt purplenailpolish

no but yes.

really its only for the first 30 seconds.


tonight at the zeitgeist was nothing like fred & ginger.
tonight at the pizza place was nothing like astair & rodgers.

although i loved the hostess' style. fedora, scarf, purple tight pants w/ black t.
didn't catch the shoes.

today on my bike ride through lucas valley,
i biked over blood.
the blood of a motor cycle driver
who died on sunday night.

its been one of those stories that i can't shake, simply because it hit close to home. i have to write it out.

i biked over it monday too. but on monday i simply thought "oh, there are flares in the road. must have been some construction last night."
on monday there were no flowers.
on thursday there was an RIP.
and a bag of flowers.

he was 22.

i biked over "R glove" spray-painted in orange about 20 feet away from the pavement blood.
as i realized what my tires just touched. played the scene through my head. wheels kept turning, etc. i crossed myself like a fool. head heart right left. and screamed out loud for him.

AHHHHHHHHH. SORRY! I AM SORRY!

i wasn't saying sorry for biking over his blood. i was saying sorry for any pain he might have felt. saying sorry for his mistake in crossing over the yellow line. saying sorry for being so young. just saying sorry in a general way. that i am alive, and he is not.

i dunno. its been interesting. these bike rides. when i bike in unpopulated placed - ie: backroads, country settings, remote hills - it is more dangerous than biking on the freeways, neighborhoods, bridges.
people let loose in the backroads. people drive faster. turn up the music. take the curves like a volkswagen commercial.
so i bike with one headphone in. the other out. the other ear on the road. what is behind me. what is below. what is ahead.

of note pt. 3

throughout the week i keep things i find here, in this 'of note' series. welcome, to the 3rd installment.

did that sound like npr or what?

ok. so this weekend is going to be fun-filled as sadie from milwaukee rang me yesterday saying she is in town w/ kyle, who will be running the big sur marathon. i love visitors, and sadie is always up for fun. and i'm sort of in awe that kyle has been preparing for a marathon, given the fact that milwaukee is cold as the middle of hell during winter.

whats the cool thing in big sur?
the henry miller library of course.
kyle's marathon

bay side:
caribou at the indi tonight.
poems in oakland
hot hot hot pete is playing tonight. he's so hot i just think i might not go to his show. in protest of his hotness.

internet side:

out of office auto reply
forget the 100 american movies to watch, plus we've already seen them. lets move on to the criterion list. how many have you seen?
film snob tote bags
red flower
cool fabric designer alexander henry.
modern cowboys
simply breakfast
becoming a foodie

soap soda

hey! wanna pretend like you still live at your parents house, and that by means of punishment for back-talking, they wash your mouth out with soap?

if the answer is: yes! I do! tell me more!! ,,,

then go buy some of this:



tastes just like soap in your mouth! and its only 1.99 at trader joes!

serranicasio

details of richard serra note.

i biked to nicasio today. really outdid myself.
admitted to myself that i am actually afraid of redwood trees.
went to jimbos, got the works.
met a few people.
checked out from the library: charles mingus, thelonius monk, beatles, fiona apple, belle and sebastian cds.
criterion collection dvds: 2 ko movies, band of outsiders, 2 russian movies. sex and lucia, the holiday (easy watching). oh and i got a harvey milk doc for the brain.

irinapalm

god if you can, see the movie irina palm, if nothing but to get you into marianne faithfull. what a beauty. and google imaging her has been nothing but a treat.

i mean WOW. just SKIMMING this is incredible.

irina palm is a movie about handjobs (essentially - don't try to tell me its about the kid she's trying to save. the audience could give two shits about the kid. he was hardly in the movie, and passed out the whole time.) however, looking at mariannes faithfull lips made me think maybe she should be giving other jobs.

what a movie. and look how this woman can look so different in all these black and whites.


with mick.


fyi, they covered this tattoo in the movie.



younger version.


how her body had changed.



her bangs are an inspiration.


hello? bangs and dog? how perfect is she.

making alone personal.

in an attempt to get more personal with everyone in general, instead of saying "alone", i'm going to start saying "without you".

i went to the concert alone.
i went to the concert without you.

last night people-watching alone was boring.
last night people-watching without you was boring.

i ride a bike alone.
i ride a bike without you.

imagine the looks you will receive just by substituting the word alone with without you. examples listed above, would get you tons of adoration.

these however, would get you another kind of reaction.

i'd like 1 ticket to go alone.
i'd like 1 ticket to go without you.

leave me alone.
leave me without you.

wishwashmishmash

pretty religiously, during the m-f workweek, while most everyone is toiling away at their desks - or not toiling away at their desks. paid for by someone else. toiling for another person's idea, etc. i get on my bike and ride it 13.5 miles to mill valley. the goal being sarah's new house. sarah is there, making jewelry in her new studio. her new house is cute. so is sarah. so is her toiling. so we gab for 10 minutes, and i am now accustomed to taking a swig of dixie peach drink. every sunday, i buy a gallon, and drive it over to sarah's house for monday's ride.

as with most activities, this ride gives me a way to listen to new music (sort of like a commute would), and it is also a chance to not check email or phones for about 3 hours. in today's world this can be incredibly DIFFICULT. right? it gives me a chance to be solitary, with my mind and my body for 2+ hours - minus the time with sarah. talking with her, drinking the peach is my goal on the way there. on the way home is sort of when i let loose and think like crazy.
recently "on the way there" i've been fighting demons!
"turn back"
"you can't do it"
"you are so slow"
incredible! right? it makes me think of this guy i met - his name is matt. he works in san rafael at the recyclery. the summer i biked daily as a commuter from mill valley to the city, matt would always speed by me on the golden gate. how did i know it was matt? because he only has one arm. so every day i would get my ass seriously kicked not only by matt, but by the fact that we both left work at the same time, and he had an extra 12 miles to go before catching me on the bridge.
so of course i needed to talk to him. i went over to the recyclery one day and said "you are always passing me on the bridge".
his response: "i am chasing a lot of demons."
and that is when i kind of fell in love with him? but i knew it would never be anything because well, he is chasing a lot of demons. but i loved his answer, and as much as i wanted to say "i wanna chase demons with you" i know i don't have that "i am chasing demons" look, so i just shut my mouth and smiled, and wondered if he has ever experienced true love. that is so girl of me. anyway.

that summer i biked over the bridge was a special one. all summers are. for my birthday, my parents gave me money for a roadbike. all i wanted to do was bike, dog, and knit. i managed a yarn shop, i didn't have internet, and i lived in hipsterville. i ate burritos from the scary part of the mission. i biked like a madman and when i got home i knitted. i knit like 89 hats that year. i look back and call it my year of knitting. whats interesting is that i have since heard of 2 other women in their late 20's who moved to san francisco and spent the first year knitting. one of them went to purchase with me.
i find this interesting why? is it san francisco? the weather in the city is so terrible in the summer. its like winter. why do we spend it all inside, listening to the radio? but i was content. so go figure.
thank god that year ended though. i have no desire to knit. i despise it. i don't think i would even be able to pick up knitting needles right now. i can sew, sure. but knit? it actually makes me physically sick.

so anyway, back to today. i started my 30mile bike ride today thinking about how FICKLE the election has become. i am officially back on the fence. i was off the fence a bit, and set up my tent at camp obama. but now i'm back on that stupid fence. this is a second by second election. well, maybe a minute by minute election. it really IS INDECISION 2008. i think i'm back in camp hillary. i tutored her godchild. i've met her. sure, shes all creepy and powerful. but she's been there. and clinton was so cool and sexy. so i'm back in camp hillary. i was in camp hillary the whole time, until i got side-tracked by this evangelist. maybe once he serves some time, we can put him in office. 8 years of hillary, then 8 years of obama. then america will be bloody perfect. and i will make more than 60bloodyK per year.

jeffwall

hi. got this jeff wall book today @ the libes.
i like jeff wall. more specifically i like this early photograph-
Picture for Women. 1979.

I could stare at this for a while, well i DID stare at this for a while. and now i'm going to immortalize it on this blog that i am sort of starting to take seriously.
it looks like since November 2007, according to my rate of postings, i've started a steady relationship with this blog. i have always thought of it as more of a trash bin. but i'm changing my tune.

of note pt. 2

subhankar banerjee's stuff is so sick i don't even know where to start. i've seen it before, but it strikes a chord with me now.

annika

slowly taking notes for the crucial nyc to-do list. which is a feat in-and-of itself, as i haven't felt this resourceful about sucking manhattan, since 1998. i'm not kidding you here. i'm really not.

sf doings on -
+yo yo yo hi-def cam live view city by bay.
+what up wit da photographers having funny names.
+in nyc i had a secret desire to be a quiet lounge singer, similar to the caliber of annie hall. the vision specifically: after work, go to your bar, put your breifcase down, stand in front of 8 men, sing "wouldn't it be nice", receive a few claps, and maybe someone would clear their throat. here in sf, that same vision exists - only the desire has switched to burlesque dancing. seems like a logical switch. it happened the day i moved, and has only increased since.
+2 of my fave movies on big screen this wknd: big l @ red vic & raging bull @ the castro. don't you just wanna see that blonde get mad and cry and croon on the big screen?
+elf power show friday w/ audrey.
+saturday is finally finally your chance to go try to get into one of cobrasnakes frames. he will be here with his poplovedj dim mak. 103 harriet.
+headlands on sunday open house. major cool because will oldham is now in residency.
+fashion: fedoras. it occured to me on sunday, that here in california, the baseball cap has been replaced by the fedora. few men can pull this off, but those who do - can simply rip out my heart, and sew it, still beating, to their tight bicep sleeves.

where the children play

today was "stripe tuesday".

i know i know. i didn't get the memo either.


in washington dc, the children play on the bronze einstein.
in new york they play on the welded jungle gym.
here in california, the children play on the gnarled tree.



conversation with emmett on the way to the pizza joint.
e: anise? what is the tallest tree in the world?
a: the redwood. and guess what?! they live here in california.
e: lets go see them!!
a: OK emmitt. i will point out the next redwood i see.

and then about 5 minutes later (we were in mill valley) i pointed out some redwoods to the kids. they stopped in their little tracks, took a minute, looked up, and exclaimed "wow".



its this type of stuff that actually makes me feel GUILTY for taking money at the end of the night.
its this kind of stuff that centers me, calms me down.
some people try yoga.
some people ring gongs.
some people listen to electronica while sipping on a pacifier while tripping on acid.
i've found that hanging out with these simple, pure minds, can be pretty nice.

annoying spider.

close my eyes close my eyes close my eyes close my eyes close my eyes close my eyes.

its still there.

shit.

otherside

who wants to admit they lay around snuggling with the dog while listening to townes van zandt live at the old quarter houston texas, on a beautiful sunny saturday afternoon?

the first song t.van zandt learned to fingerpick was "cocaine blues".

waiting until the sun god-damn sets.

those wild night owls.

hoot

hoot hoot hoot who.

those wild night owl friends of yours. you keep them on the back burner. they aren't people to share with other people. they always have a joint. they roll their own cigarettes. they always open the door for you.

they can be kind of loud. around them, you are the quiet one. cuz when you go through these fits where you need those wild night owl friends - for the most part, you've got nothing to say. they introduce you as "doesn't have much to say, but man she's golden."

and you just kind of just smile. and you just kind of get silently drunk. and just kind of stay drunk. and just kind of stay stoned.

thinking about how she mothers you. and he hardens you. and they spend too much. and the guy over there is being too obnoxious. oh who is that in the corner. maybe its another person who spent money on themselves to only go home and listen to townes van zandt. and there you both are. pretty post townes van zandt.

in his pocket is your next drink.

who wants to raise their lazy spent hands and claim.

lyrics

To be alone with you by sufjan stevens

I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

I've never known a man who loved me

of note

nirvana
2nd balcony
on cv's
zachary
magic happens!
mantra
kites

1/2 way through.

as i read about experiences during unemployment, and hear their stories. the same underlying theme remains.
their eyes get wistful. their backs straightens. they look you in the eyes. or their blogs get direct. and they have the same message "live it up".
like a gym teacher talking to you after class, telling you high school will be the best time of your life.
like your mom telling you to take a ton of pictures while you are in new york.
like the mormons telling you to keep a journal for family history.

unemployment is a part of life that people look back on - relish. relishing the time. jealous. jealousing the time. doling out advice. not spending money. you have no wants when you have nothing. you appreciate libraries. you have the time for libraries. you appreciate coffee houses. you have the time for coffee houses. you appreciate walks. you take your time. you can go a few days with no shower. you can shower 4 times a day. you can go weeks without makeup. you can spend an afternoon at the MAC counter making friends with the make-up girls.

i'm halfway through my unemployment. and i am already starting to look back wistfully at the months gone by. i've set up a business, learned how to make sourdough bread, paid all my bills, stopped taking the happy drugs.

a reprogramming of the essence of life sets in. a reprogramming.
sure. i wonder while i ride the bike "what will i do when i cant spend 2 hours a day riding my bike?" but its this reprogramming that takes over and calms me - making me answer that question with "it will all work out."

hartfistory

there are a few things that i like fat.

babies
cats
motherwells.


i find it funny that for a woman who's entire career is based off of self portraits, she doesn't have a picture on wikipedia. ha.

the girls at my old office in nyc would have loved the fact that cindy sherman didn't leave her ny apt. for the first few months she lived there. why? she was scared of the cat-calling. the girls at my office used to come over to my desk and compare stories of the cat-calls they received on the way to work. i used to take certain routes in the morning just to avoid the calls. after moving to sf, i actually MISSED the calls. here, the calls only come from the animal immigrants. so i am back to hating them. in italy the cat-calling is so absolutely unbearable that anna and i used to spit at them and call them cockroaches. southern italy might as well be egypt, might as well be jerusalem, might as well be kabul. its all the same once you go south of rome.
cindy sherman, after her success, did a bunch of photos of grotesque images as a backlash. she simply said "i wanted to make art that no one would buy." in a way "how dare they think my art is cute enough to hang in their living rooms? i'd like to see them hang this huge bleeding cunt above the mantle". and of course someone bought it. i mean, its cindy sherman. of this, robert longo said "she seemed rather upset during this period. i find it to be her strongest sense of work."

instead of putting cindy's cunt up here, i'll put one of my favorite longo's. will the skinny tie ever not be hot?

wow. there is more computing power in your cell phones than what was in the first apollo mission to the moon. -60 minutes.

muxtape

if you want to spend a few hours listening to new music for free - check out muxtape.com.
my account (nothing is new or spectacular there yet) is hellodeer.muxtape.com of course.

check back from time to time in the event that i want to blow your ears off.

1st thursday.

god so many things happened today. i discovered a new pizza place at the thursday mkt that makes pizza just like napoli. thank god. but i wasn't hungry. thank god. so i got a strawberry lemonade - thank god. i've NEVER had a strawberry lemonade that amazing. it was like pounding 18 stawberries with a hint of lemon.

tonight was "first thursday of the month" which means that artbusiness.com needs all the feet he can get to cover the galleries. "he" is alan. there are a couple of pay-to-plays, but for the most part there were some pretty solid shows. my favorite one was photos of a guy taking pictures of kids who ride the trains. maybe i like it because of paranoid park last night. or maybe i just like it. and then i liked the crowd at the michael kenna show. but the art was hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

so 49 geary is a cool new thing i've discovered. i know i'm on to something cool if i am annoyed but enlightened by the painful beautiful hipsters and ugly artists and overstuffed adults and spectacle wearing men and sleek women. i saw 3 women today my age - just fuckign dressed to the 9.5's. i mean - we checked each other out - and i almost said "can we be friends".

oh yeah oh yeah - i saw that annoying hipster girl from flickr that i used to crush on. she was SO ANNOYING. with her new boyfriend and her hipster friend. it was so great to finally see her out in the open, and see the real deal. blaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

in the car on the way home, i thought about how i miss getting checked for lice. i want to see one of those long sticks with a cotton swab on the end. and for the school nurse to interrupt 4th period social studies, so she can quietly go around the room and lift up quarters of our hair with her cotton swab stick. and then put the used stick in the white paper bag she carries with her.
and then it finally dawned on me! i finally have a fetish! i've been wanting a fetish. i've been thinking about fetishes - but none of them really struck a chord. so i think i'm going to own the "check me for lice" fetish.
its either that, or cleaning ears. i like it when i get my ears cleaned with hydrogen peroxide. have you ever done that? its like pop! fizz! in your ear. its chilling and then it turns warm, etc. all teh while cleaning your ears. the only thing is, i don't really want to own that as a fetish because well, my mom was the only one who used to clean my ears. so i dunno, i see that as a maternal thing - i guess i'll stick with being checked for lice.



i can't wait to see the photos from tonight. i really got ballsy on some shots. but then i worry there was no film in my camera. its an ongoing worry - like the common worry of being naked in front of an audience.

i started my bike ride today crying. who knows why. its just one of those things. i mean, i know why i was crying. i'm just saying - who knows why it struck on the bike. i didnt' want to bike. i'm so tired of biking! but i have to bike. i have to do SOMETHING. so i biked to whole foods and got a shot of wheatgrass. talked to the guy cutting mangos. told him my current problem. he didn't really understand me. he hardly spoke english. but it felt good to tell someone. so he cut me a large slice of mango, and i got back on the bike.

today's highlight - actually it should have been the start of this very post - was that i registered my business with the county of marin. the state of california. the fictitious company name is registered. the business is official. i can now pay for things and say "its on the company" or say "i can write it off as a business expense" which is really cool to me.

speaking of gov. i guess barack obama is a phoney. i can see it in the art kids eyes too. all those little art kids have stopped talking about the election, and taken off their obama pins, and they just have that vacant look again. the "OH WELL" deal. and then on npr they were talking about bear sterns and then a depression and then terry gross asked "so where is all the money?" and dude didn't even answer the question. he answered the question saying people are at their desks making bets all day. i just don't get it. even i feel the "OH WELL" coming on. i promised myself i would vote though.

in a jar

i want to somehow - SOMEHOW - put the first 15 minutes of paranoid park in a jar and keep it on my desk so i can listen and watch it whenever i want.
what was up with that soundtrack? gosh. what it must be like to live in quiet portland, and work with g.van s. quiet, ugly portland. with brilliant, gay g. van sant. i just can't imagine what it must be like. just another pocket of america i guess.

the part at the hot-tub where the boy licks/kisses his knee. we've all done that. didn't that hit you in the gut? or maybe the nose? or maybe it made you stick your pinky finger in your ear and then smell the wax?

the whole thing was such a package. but the first captivating jaw-dropping 15 minutes really are what made me actually say the word "brilliant" in the theatre of 8 people.
and it was funny? it was like, laugh out loud funny? but yeah, the first 15 minutes were a deal-breaker for me.

the beach scene was so oregon - like hits your gut oregon. what a gorgeous state.

wow. the today show has this spunky woman on, talking about 7 ways to boost your marriage.

she just suggested getting an adrenaline rush with your spouse. ie: jumping out of an airplane. apparently it brings you together.

then another thing is ditch the sweats at home. pretend for one day a month that you are having an affair with your husband.

then another thing (and i find this interesting) is to go for a walk at least once a week. men tend to open up when they are not facing you. when they are walking around or driving around. it is apparently easier for them to tell you how they feel.
i've heard this before. and its interesting to me. i forgot about it though, so thought i should write it down.

i want to be an even, equal spouse. i want to be a rock. but one that is easily moved. not something like this:


anyway, about the driving. dan and i were driving for 4 hours one time. it was a nice quiet drive. we played steve miller band and talked about sailing. after the drive, we were at our destination, and just when i thought this person had enough of me, he proceeds to make us some dinner, and tell me that his mom has cancer. his dad is already dead of cancer, so this was kind of upsetting. all i could say was "wow. we just spent 4 hours in a car together and you never said anything".

what kind of response is that? women expect our minds to be read. women are just terrible sometimes. after realizing that my response was so lame and selfish, i sat down and asked him questions and then just shut up and listened.