hellodeer

2017 List:

Places visited:
stockholm
paris
reims
yuba river
alaska
mesa arizona

I entered a recovery program, and lost of a bunch of dead weight, only to gain it all back when I found out I was pregnant.  Flip side of that is: I haven't gained too much weight during pregnancy, over what I typically weigh when I am on the heavier side.

Found out I am pregnant.  and I am pregnant.

Honestly being pregnant is more of an ailment, than it is a miraculous amazing thing. My life right now if filled with fear, and deep thought. 

I do not know what kind of person I am going to give birth too. I can shape that personality to the best of my ability, but ultimately this human growing inside of me will make its own choices, and live its own life. I will always be its mother.

When I think during pregnancy, its more of what kind of mother am I am going to be? Its never "i want my kid to be x, y and z." 

I did have the fantasy that our kid will be a musician, and nick and i will be roadies who travel in an rv to its shows.  But just that fantasy has now squashed that as a possibility. That turned out more from 'what are nick and i going to do with ourselves when we are retired?

I found out that I was pregnant in the beginning of July. That is where the fears set in, and all of my behaviors crept back of insecurity, self doubt, etc.

That has taken up the last part of 2017, until 2 days ago when I finally got another sponsor.  I plan on having a clean 2018, and clean birth, and clean motherhood experience.

When I look towards 2018, it is filled with a bunch of question marks:  all determinate on who we are giving birth to. 

I can't wait to meet this person. I can't wait for it to be my baby. I can't wait to raise it to the best of my ability.

I hope that I will be able to see this human for what they are, and give it the best childhood experience tailored to its needs. I hope this baby will grow into a confident child, respectful teen, and responsible adult.