words vs. life

i realize now, that there is a distinct difference between words vs. life that can actually be fatal in a human relationship.

here, the word life means a live human being vs. a written document from the person.

words are written - and then read.
read - and then stoned. like, they are in stone.
problems with words written arise only by the reader. the reader has its own voice. adding accents here. looking into things there.
the reader might possibly be the actual author.

in real life /
live actions are acted - and then received.
spoken - and then listened.
listened and then spoken.
and this is where it gets interesting - pushed and then shoved.
kissed and then hugged.
fingered and then inserted.
pulled and then sucked.
the couch gets messed up. the tv gets left on. the sheets get torn. the jam is still out on the counter. the bills don't get paid. the nailpolish chips. the hair needs brushing. the dog starts whining. the birds start chirping. the plants wilt.

all of these things are going on while two humans try to get out what they feel inside their physical bodies - whether it be good or bad. all of this is going on while they slap and hit and hug and kiss. cells are exchanged. skin is chaffed. you get the picture.

with words though - when all of it is WRITTEN - it seems so stone.
you said this.
i say this.
you say that.
because i said this.

it doesn't resolve anything until its physically present. presence, maybe is what i'm getting at. the PRESENCE of an issue. the PRESENCE of a person. the absence of a person. the absence of an issue.

lets see if the absence of words makes the heart grow fonder?
or the absence of words makes the heart forget.

they say it forgets.

maybe what i'm also getting at is time. maybe its all time that matters. like in all things. people saying "we'll see." or "can't wait" or "only time will tell".

presence physical time words written read stoned stone

but then again, all of THIS is written. i think the answer is all in the word PRESENCE.

first walk

the first time i flew out to new york from alaska, i had to go to michigan for a family vacation. i hadn't yet stepped foot in manhattan. but on our drive to michigan, big miles pointed it out over the tappan zee - or maybe it was the george washington. "we are actually in manhattan right now" or something like that. i pressed my face against the window! wow! but i can't see any skyscrapers! we must be at the top of the island - where the columbia university kids practice rowing.

i knew manhattan before i got there. in high school, the map from national geographic hung at the head of my bed - so i could study it before going to sleep.
broadway is the street that runs diagonal
st. vincents is here.
the village starts here.
tribeca is where jfk jr. lives.
park ave. is untouchable.
the met is in central park.

after getting back from michigan, i had to work a week. all week in rye, i planned my trip to the city. i woke up at the crack of dawn. i was SO EXCITED. big miles seemed so proud! he was shocked by how excited i was. he was like BE CAREFUL. BE CAREFUL. BE CAREFUL. and then he waited in the car they called "the jimmy", until i got on the train. i bought an outfit for the trip - i still remember what i wore! it was HUMID i had never experienced weather like that. i wore a simple loose fitting button down - paisley orange. i must have looked like a tourist. i didn't want to look like a tourist. i never want to look that way when i travel. that first trip was spent walking miles. i walked from 42 to the tip. from the tip to columbus circle. from columbus circle to grand central. my body ached. my mind was spent. it was so overwhelming, that i wasn't sure if i hated or loved manhattan. i bought all new city clothes on that trip. new city shoes. i think i might even have that map - the penciled lines of my first trip to manhattan.

i write about this, because it was 11 years ago. a decade has changed me DRASTICALLY. i've seen the country, i've seen parts of the world. i've met every kind of person out there. i remember seeing my first hassidic jew. and then i was with my little brother when he saw his first too. whats funny is that we both had the same reaction. we were like WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT WAS THAT?

that first trip to manhattan was followed by every weekend spent in manhattan. i spent my money on broadway tickets. there was a time i could pick up billboard, and say i had seen over half the shows. i saw savion glover every fall. i rode the madison ave. bus on sundays. the met was my church. at the moma, i stood in front of john currin stunned. i copped a feel on a picasso. i just HAD to touch the same paint he touched. i learned the subways, i ate the food. i spent saturdays in the village. i remember when i discovered soho - i was AMAZED. brick streets! everyone is in black! galleries! (there were galleries there back then - not shops). i would come home at night and report my findings "why does everyone wear black? they call themselves artists, and yet they all wear the same thing?"

2 months later i went through a "black phase" i vowed to only buy black of everything. it made sense at that point. i wanted to look urban. and then i did. and then my change morphed into other things. the food - the expanding of the palette. i ate jewish food, pizza, italian food - sun dried tomatoes, olive oil, greek food - olive paste. dean & deluca kept me entertained for about 2 hours one time. the scene in that store on broadway & spring was incredible to me. i discovered things like woody allen and warhol. i spend the weeknights renting all woody allen videos. within 2 weeks i had watched every movie he made. a few times over. then, seeing my first woody allen movie in the theatre. it was the one with danny - broadway? no - something i can't remember the title. the theatre was only manhattanites. the village. older scene. the guy next too me knew the grip. the woman in the other isle clapped because her neighbor was in teh movie. the discussions after the movie! were just like standing in line during annie hall. they clapped after the movie. they laughed out loud!

that fall, after my summer of exploring manhattan, i had more knowledge of the island than most of my new friends at school. they would ask me(!) where such and such was. they would ask me what was going on, etc. i was stunned that they didn't know anything, most of them having lived there for their entire lives. i remember attending my first party - i was in an artists room, and he had a picture of basquiat. i jumped up adn down "you know basquiat!?" and all the kids kind of scoffed. they thought i was funny. during that time, i only wore keith haring t-shirts. on saturdays i would go down to the pop shop and buy the coolest one, and wear it that week. i had just finished reading his diary, and then warhols diary. i read warhols diary on a trip to nantucket. i read k.haring late nights.

that first fall also brought concerts. every band or singer i had ever dreamed of seeing, was having a show. they all seemed to be on a thursday at the bowery or the beacon. i bought tickets to everything. i wasn't paying rent - i was living with the rye family, so i had the money to go to all of these shows. seeing bjork, a rager kid walked up to me and told me he couldn't stop staring at me. i had never heard that before. the whole show i was stunned. seeing pj harvey for the first time- the crowd! the pj harvey crowd shocked me. i looked up - i felt so short? at these hip people. the men wore black rimmed glasses. the women were in all black. and then the music started. the room began to vibrate. going to these concerts set me apart from the college kids. they were attending their little garage band concerts - but i had catching up to do. i was seeing all the bigger names in teh city. until years later i had seen everyone i wanted, so i joined them at the garage shows.

i recently watched the movie 'peresopolis'. in that movie (which i highly recommend), the girl gets in touch with her inner rock star. she starts wearing rock t-shirts. her parents just smile. i related. during this time, my fashion evolved from black - as my staple - to k. haring t-shirts and rock t-shirts. i remember mona and i sitting at the ktichen table. i'm there wearing a black pj-harvey t-shirt with her half naked body splayed about "anise. what is that shirt? is that some kind of band?" and i remember (like a teenager) thinking "if people don't understand pj harvey, then they know nothing. i feel sorry for these people."

wow. in a way, writing about this has really put me in touch with my little brother. he must feel the same way about san francisco and the drug culture, and sex and vegans, and hippies, and anti war... as i felt about allen, warhol, haring, purchase, harvey.

i get it now. i'm going to give him a call.

glossies

i guess christy turlington's face simply never ages? its looked the exact same way since i was begging my mom to buy me glossy magazines as a teenager.

when i moved to nyc the first conversation i had with mona was about high fashion, celebrities, etc. she said "how do you know all of this stuff?" and i said "well for christmas, i asked for magazine subscriptions."

growing up in alaska, none of this existed. the glossy magazine world was one of myth. in the 90's they used to put phone numbers on the ads - or in the back as a reference. i rememeber i used to call those numbers, and just ask if they had any brochures to send me. any catalogues? and while i was on the phone with them, i was so fascinated that i was talking to someone in new york city.

i can't imagine what they must have thought! the gucci girl at bergdorf says to her co-worker "a child in alaska just called, asking me to send her a pamphlet of the new hosiery listed on page 75 of this month's vogue."

today show dream.

i had a dream last night that i was watching the today show. brooke sheilds was the guest, and they were interviewing her, and a transvestite actor - not a famous tranny - just an actor from a tv show from the 70's that had gone tran. they made no mention of the going tran, and then focused on brooke sheilds.
all of a sudden there was a gunshot - the tranny was shot in the arm.

you see ann curry and meredith duck for cover. brooke sheilds was just so shocked she just sat there on the couch. then the camera men went to the plaza - where you saw the shooter - just walking around with a gun.

then my point of view changed from tv show viewer, to plaza attendee. i was out in the plaza near the ice rink. i found a square tree pot to hide behind. the plaza was chaos. everyone running and screaming. and crouched there silent. and then he spotted me. so he slowly walked toward me. we played a game of shoot & duck, etc.

and then a sharp shooter from the top of rock center gunned him down. i saw smoke rise from his body.

my first year on myspace.

i'd like to recap my first year as a member of the most successful online social networking of my time, thus far.

i've seen people come and go. this is true. we bid farewell to m.toole, d.ewald, and some random bands like the castanets & the garter belts.

because of myspace i was able discover my old friends' band & tour schedule, so i could surprise him during his first trip to california.

i was also able to crush on some dude - and then find out he had an art opening the day after i found his profile. so i ran to the city and met him, etc. nothing happened, but it sure was exciting! turns out he's moving to boston now. i guess he liked that boston song.

its put me in touch with people from high school and college that i thought had either died or left the country. turns out they all simply got married.

music i discovered on myspace includes, but is not limited to:
santa dads
dan deacon
castanets
T.I.
morning benders
be good tanyas
wooden wand
spring awakening
lovers and mountains

realized that i really can't stand z.braff, but i keep him as my friend anyway?

found out my cousin is a whore, and bi. go figure!

towards the end of my first year - my aunt georgia joined myspace. to my surprise of course. turns out - she found it to be a big hit too, and found herself a husband on myspace. they are now married living happily ever after.

see, myspace can change your wife.

bird

there was a lot of chirping this morning! so loud.

so i stepped to the window to see what was the matter. what were all the birds so up in wings about?

and lo and behold, a bird had flown into the house! oh my! this little bird was chirp chirp chirping inside my living room.

desperate to escape, it kept flinging itself against the window. the more is flung, the more anxious i became. what if this bird broke its little neck? oh my.

so i opened the door and started whistling.

if only this were the solution to everything.

santa venetia

getting to know the people in my neighborhood. apparently the author of a scanner darkly lived here while hew as writing a book. he spent his time here, high on herion, writing a scanner darkly. and then left.
another 2002 bimmer owner stopped me on the street today. he pulled up behind me, and introduced himself. al zender. nice man. he owns a baby blue bimmer. we compared car problems and then went about our business. my car is falling behind on the repairs and fixings. its one of those things i've really got to focus on keeping up. or the car will simply rot. its a hobby. and a comraderie. or however you spell that.
then there are the meetings about floods. this hood was built in the 20's to resemble venice. canals were placed, houses built. then in the 50's affordable housing was built. our condo-landia (as dan calls it) was built in the 70's.
our unofficial mayor is ron. he lobbys for things like stop lights and street lights and dog parks.
its all very nice.

realism

i love photo realism. roberttownsend is my new favorite - http://www.rtownsendwatercolors.com/gallery/index.php?i=08. i just wrote him a love note... i can't explain work like this - or why i like photo realism. hm. maybe it has something to do with photography. or maybe its like how the viola player is always jealous of the violin player........... or the violin player is always jealous of the piano player. or is that the other way around. maybe everyone is simply jealous of the 1st chair.

ok. ok. ok. so something else that moved me today was the schnabel movie "the diving bell and butterfly". i finally got my cafilm membership in teh mail, so i took my free pass and watched this wonderful film. wow. i borderline cried? to be french. to be beautiful. what a movie. it really helped me take a deep breath. keep the dream in check. capiche?

i'm sure you've heard about schnabels apt. in the village. i used to live around the corner from him. i feel like he's family - or a part of my history. i'm sure about 10,000 other people think the same thing. but wouldn't he make for a great uncle?

it will never cease to amaze me that my roommate can work a 10 hour corporate workday, and then come home and listen to heavy loud techno for 6 more hours.

this is sort of a wonder of the world, if you think about it.

i hold is paw while i drive or zen and the art of chocolate lab maintenence.

disclaimer: i love having a dog. sometimes i look at my dog and am so beside myself that i actually have him. i've always wanted my own dog. like something you dream about when you are a kid. "when i'm a grown up i'll get a dog." type thing. so this is an ongoing account of what its like to be around rowdy. i'll add to the list. feel free to skip over this. mainly its for my history, so i can look back, and remember rowdy. the best dog ever.

bath:
it was bath-time today. whenever i walk upstairs, he walks upstairs. this time however, he saw me go into the bathroom downstairs and grab the dog shampoo.
he looks up at me, and casually disappears as though nothing were wrong. and i walk upstairs.
what? not paws behind me? typically i trip over the large animal on my flight up the stairs.
silence.
'rowdy'
silence
'rowdy sweetheart.'
i hear a tail start wagging. but no paws hitting the stairs. he WANTS so desperately to walk upstairs and be with me, but he also wants so desperately to avoid the bath. the desperation for not wanting the bath wins.
i jangle keys (he likes that noise - it equals car ride!) i clap my hands (that means dancing, and he loves to wag his butt around while we all dance.) and i whistle. (who knows what that means.)
silence.
so i walk downstairs and get tough.
ROWDY HERE!
and he gets up and reluctantly stands outside while i hose him down, shampoo his fur, hose him down again, condition his top, hose him down. out to the porch he goes. standing there pissed for half an hour.
i go about my things. i need a dog break. i have some lunch, clean up our dog mess, send out some resumes. going about my thing. the whole time he stands at the window. nose pressed up against the glass - looking at me.
and then i let him in. he frolics. he jumps! he runs to my bed and flops on the clean covers. i yell.

today when i went to give him a bath, he caught on when i grabbed the shampoo and comb.
boom. darts downstairs.
i spend the next 10 minutes calling him. to no avail. telling him i have a ball for him, etc. nothing.
so i walk downstairs to drag him upstairs, and what do i see?
rowdy curled up on the couch, listening to joni mitchell.

the computer:
he doesn't like it. he will do anything to put his nose between my hands and the keyboard. when i clean my keyboard - its filled with one thing: dog hair.

if he is tired, he rests his head in my lap while i work. he's no lap dog - thats for sure, but he can definately find a way to get next to me, and rest his head on my lap.

nails:
i let rowdy's nails grow long. not out of fashions sake - but my own. we don't have hardwood floors (nails can be loud on hardwood) so what do i care? i was scared to cut them myself, because i don't want to hurt the poor guy. my aunt is a dog groomer, so while i was at her house, i made her make me cut his nails. with 4 adults supervising, and 20 nails to clip, by nail 7 i was in good form. oh wait - are they called claws? maybe thats only for birds? anyway. if you cut the nail too close, they start to bleed because you get something called a quick. the quick is the vein. of course through my nervousness, rowdy just lay there. he's a patient dog.

other dogs:
he doesn't care for them. doesn't really see teh point.
this weekend i was watching a friends pug. what an ugly dog? what a terrible situation for an animal? the tongue is longer than the mouth. the nose doesn't allow silent breathing. its just an unfortunate situation. the whole time this dog was chortling and licking and scoffing around, rowdy just sat by me silent.
if the dog approached us, he would growl. protecting me.
if we went into my room, he would jump on the bed saying "this is my house".
rowdy is not a growler, so the growling bit told me that he was really NOT HAPPY. the first night we all tried sleeping - the pug paced around the room, snorting and chorting. rowdy would raise his head every 5 minutes to stare me down. as though he were asking "what the hell. please remove that animal".
and then the pug was picked up, and we got on with our lives. rowdy approached me to say thank you, and nuzzled his nose against my knee. just like the fist time i met him.

i can't seem to find the lyrics to my new favorite song called "I can not have seen the light" by magnolia electric co. but the first part goes:

again you're swingin' low. and you hit me below the belt.
alright, since its a fair fight, its the best that i have felt
in a long long time.
in a long long time.

makes some kind of indie sense.

poor maggie on the biggest loser got depressed and started sneaking food. poor gillian got mad at the poor soap opera host and said the poor f-word. all these hugs with the poor black team made of fat women.
its possible, if your job is to lose weight, to lose 47 pounds in 11 weeks. thats nothing if you think about it.

i feel worse about maggie. sure, she's losing weight, but she's still sneaking food. they need to get mental counselors in there. or just lock her in a room. and let her cry it out.

today's ring is fun. its floral and white and round. it makes my hands look pretty.
today rowdy the dog was snooping around me. i've been giving him dog food - like a good girl - and he has been resistant. i've been saying "out of the kitchen" and he has been obeying. so i put some chicken burrito in his dog food. wow! how he pranced around after dinner! showing everyone that he could leap! that he could fetch! the burrito made him so happy.

going back to work will be the hardest on me when i think about rowdy. how we spend all day together! i can take "snuggle breaks" and go attack him with a thousand hugs and scratches. today he was keeping my feet warm on the couch while i wrote an essay in the third person. blech. i still haven't finished that. its as if the website person is all "here do my job. write a bio about yourself in the 3rd person." well it snot "as if" it "IS it."
anyway, whatever job i get, and it is a mystery right now! i will be standing or sitting there for 8 hours, wondering how rowdy is doing. if he is thinking about me. if he is barking. if he is whining.

it will fade of course - but i forsee that first week being a brutal one. but its kind of like how they say don't think about your dog dying. i'm not going to think about the inevitable fact that my freedom will soon die too.


----------------
Now playing: Magnolia Electric Co - I Can Not Have Seen The Light
via FoxyTunes

there are couples that combine accounts. bank or flickr or email. all accounts combined.

there are couples that work together. he manages the business file cabinets. she the inventory.

i write about couples a lot. because i think about couples a lot. i also think about that dress i saw at forever 21, but didn't buy. i think about the other dress at target. and i think about the high-waisted jeans at old navy. and the green metallic eyeliner at the mac counter.

men. microloans. new buzz word. microloans. some rich guy gives you money. sounds like a plan. will it happen for a kid that wants to go to college but doesn't qualify for grants or loans.

i think about back pain. guru's. yogi's. beers. sidewalks.

poor complexions. chipped chipping nails. bounced checks. bank fees.

cold stomachs. bridge tolls. parties, openings.

eqquis

i do wish that straight men knew gay men in the way that a beautiful woman knows a gay man. gay men love beautiful women of course. and when they see one, they pick her up and take her out. within 1 hour you know 8 more sex secrets, and you reminded yet again that really, its all about ass.

"well my pictures are COMPOSITIONS"
"she's the best photographer I've ever seen."
"every photo is about 24 different photos in 1 photo"
"i took that during my year in LA"
yes. that looks very LA.
i like this one. in the kitchen.
her art is like gregory crewdson, minus the large animal growing in the living room.
"who's gregory crewdson?" asked the gallery owner.

snoozing. was what my brain was doing while the gallery owner was explaining that the gallery name "Aftermodern" mean art that was made after post modern. so why the post modern? i guess after is stronger than post, and post really mean in-between modern.

so then i met the shuffle board that i've been communicating with, and he shuffled this way about that and i nodded and said "send send send".

and then i went downstairs for a drink. dolphin started talking to me. i helped him with his pen. eqquis tapped me on teh shoulder. "you look like a movie star".
"i'm going to another gallery. wanna walk with me?"
dolphin bats his fins. eqquiss shoots his wine.
and off we go.
on the way to the l074 folsom, i look up and see another past. we catch eyes. i shoot mine down to the pavement as quick as possible.
i start having a heart attack. grab my heart. pound on my chest.
"thats someone from my past. he is making my heart hurt!"
eqquis grabs my hand. "keep walking"
dolphins off poaching magnolias from a wayward tree. runs up to us.
"girlfriend. you ok?"
"that was someone from my past. god my heart hurts"
"you know what she needs? lets take her to the hole"
"oh you'll be fine. we'll smoke pot, buy a pitcher of beer, and you can sit pretty and take pictures"
"but i didn't bring my flash".

sometimes its strange to see people on the streets whose hands have been inside you. its just kind of funny like that. i wonder if its the same thing seeing your surgeon about town.

old&new

for some reason, seeing an past person at the market today, put me in a bad mood. chilly reception is what i gave him after 3 minutes of cordial.
and then i was in a stupor. still doing my volunteer work wholeheartedly, but kind of in a stupor. i just sat there.
and then i was tapped on the shoulder by the present person. wow! what a relief. oh cool. i kept saying. cool! thanks!
just such a nice person.

when does nice start to get boring?

i wonder. i think i'm about to find out.

recap

in astoria oregon, they announce ship updates concerning the harbor, over public radio. you turn on your radio, and they talk about them in a human - female - sense. "bessie is a 2-ton carrier. she rolled in last night bringing cars. she's waiting for the tide to rise, before she docks."
to be quite quite, i did take me a minute to figure out that they were talking about a boat. a large vessel.

del mar was the first beach on my trip through the oregon coast. we (rowdy and i) pulled in, and ran free. oh the sand dunes. the grass. the angels at which the grass grew? or was blowing with the permanent wind.

then there was a section that was so gutterly that i only remember it in black and white. reminded me of my overnight trip to venice from vienna where we went through the dolmites and only got silent glimpses of these incredible mountains. on the coast, you got breif glimpses - while the sun was rising - of incredible rainforests, mosses, branches, oceans, rocks! rocks! rocks!. and then it was over. until the next breif opening in the hwy or trees.

another thing about the oregon coast is that sometimes you get glimpses of the logging. behind these beautiful road walls, you would see smoldering vacant hills of stumps. and then trees. and then smoldering hills of stumps. hundreds of them. and then trees. something you would never see in california. in california that scene is replaced by homeless.

in bandon there were cranberry bogs and rich men. and my aunt georgia. trying to make it happen with her man.

and then we got to eureka! it was nice. it was hippies lost paul bunyons with a connection. bolinas with some organization.

in california you can see all the wires. they are exposed. you can see all the potholes. but i was travelling a more popular road. so that makes sense.

shorts rundown

animated:
pigeon movie - cute. but should not win award.
russian monet looking love story - a bit too dramatic? but nice for a fable.
wooden doll train story - interesting. loved her eyes.
peter and the wolf - russian. brilliant. absolutely.
i met the walrus - john lennon interview - double brilliant. made about 8 people in teh audience go "HUH".

live:
danish cancer film - so long. made me say "those danes are turning up the dramer"
italian teacher movie - brilliant. the short was dedicated to those who cannot follow the rules.
romanian theif movie - getting tired.
tonto woman - hm. interesting? no ending tho.
tango movie - so cute. big smile from me.

laptop culture

how many of us have crinks in our necks from laying in bed with our laptops?

can i see a set of hands. can i see some hands raised.

how many of us have made love to our laptops?

how many of us have names for our laptops?

how many of us were given a laptop?

how many of us saved for a laptop?

how many of us need to set rules and guidelines about when we turn off our laptops?

how many of us travel with our laptops?

some people cry at the yes you can video. don't get me wrong, i was pretty dang close myself.

i cried when i got my brother voicemail and he had on not a voice recording - but a recording of 'you never give your money. you only give me your funny papers.' 'out of college money spent. see no future. pay no rent. all the moneys gone. nowhere to go.'

cried because it was my abbey road he stole. and well, because i love my brother like he is my own child. he makes me scream inside. there are conflicting interests.

another thing that might make some cry, but got me pretty dang close was this.

yeah. i got out of bed to get my laptop and delete my facebook account. it was bugging me THAT. MUCH.

do i really need to go into detail about why it was bugging me that much? or can we just pretend like that site never happened?

the first

i eat well. i choose only the finest foods. even on unemployment. i know the best burritos. i know the best fish tacos. i've tried every hamburger in marin.

today.
bran muffin from the cake shop in larkspur.

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
mayo
pepper & salt
soft, heirloom tomato

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
mayo
cranberry sauce
pepper & salt

i had some kind of stomach virus in my upper bowels last night. throwing up, etc. all i could do was lay in the fetal position in bed - heat in the house had to be turned up to 70, as i was also experiencing the chills.

i got through 8 chapters of a book. she finally found love. love that splices from her fingernails to her toenails. i haven't finished the book yet.

when i wasn't reading. i just lay there.

thinking about money. about bowels. about how aunt linda got 2 feet of her bowels removed this week. everyone is rooting for her. all of our family is convening in oregon at the farm, to help. clutching the bibles. hushing the babies.

aunt linda is my favorite. she runs the family farm. she calls me honey. says i crack her up. we bake together. uncle steve loves me too. he builds houses for her. he works in oil. he bought the farm for fun. i help him bale hay.

our bowels are so crucial. like they are the organizers. the trash. the extractors. they didn't like something i shoved down them. "fuck you". my bowels won. see, nature always wins.

rowdy lay next to me the whole time. looking at me. snoring. shifting. looking at me. snoring. breathing heavily - having his shaking dreams. looking at me. i just held him through the OK parts. and then put my back to his during the ANGUISH parts. this helped keep my back warm. i imagined my mom rubbing my back. and just breathing with a sigh after she had exhausted all efforts to make me feel better. rubbing her feet together while rubbing my back. i tell her to stop rubbing her feet together its bugging me.

i thought about how it might be nice to be someones first wife. i wouldn't mind if someone asked me to be their "first" wife.

i would make a fine first wife. cooking this. baking that. having sex whenever however. sure. walking the dogs. cutting hair. no kids. not unless our first marriage last longer than 5. and then we would start bickering. i would start making suggestions about things. little things.
"don't you know when you steam mussels that you should use a smaller pan than that? save energy."
"when you start the car, you don't need to have your foot on the clutch."
you would give me that look of despair. at one point. and then i would start to feel black. you stay away from home. i pretend to be busy.

i didn't even have the energy to turn out the lights.

walking around during the workweek at malls and shops and stores. babies cry. typically i leave the store immediately. i have a very strong aversion to crying babies & the sound of commercials. i'd rather be swan diving off the golden gate, than listen to either.

so anyway, the babies cry and i leave and enter another.
baby starts crying.
i leave. find another.

after the third store of this, i go home. i'd rather be home than in these crying stores.

a girl sent an email the other day about how her marriage is off. they called the whole thing off. the email was filled with sentences that made me cringe. however, i wasn't surprised.

from the first day i met the couple together, i knew it was doommed. he was a nice quiet man, she was a nice woman with an agenda. in month 2 of them dating, she suggested he moved in. he quietly did. in month 3 of them dating she suggested she have another baby. he silently objected. then about 4 months later, they sent an engagement email. 3 months after that, the breakment email.

as i was driving today through the novato heat, i wondered why all the rushing?

quiet men. rushing women.
silent
fast

whats cool about unemployment (one of the many things) is that i can wear the same outfit everyday.

not out of laziness, out of passion for the outfit. like margo tennenbaum. given that teh outfit does not smell, i can wear it until its wearing me.

i have nothing to do
i have something to do
i have no one to do
i have someone to do
to do the middle

a face filled with cells
drooping when feel tired
eyes pound
contacts out
oxygen in.

breath in through your nose and out through your nose. no need to worry if you hear a sound in the back of your throat.

they say this as yoga starts every morning.

mountain pose. sun pose. warrior pose. sunflower pose.



breathe in breathe out.

waiting for a day when i can see you. someone who interests me.
actually waiting to see about 4 people that i will see this year that interest me.
all successful and failful.

i want my fingertips to burn.
i want my palms to sweat
i want my pulse to race.

cutting this. eating that. buying things. biking things. meeting.

of death and the tooth fairy.

i was reading a book about the tooth fairy for bedtime, while i was babysitting.

it occurred to me

i want to be the tooth fairy when i die. i want to go around to rooms around the country (can i just be an american tooth fairy?) and collect little teeth for the queen fairy's castle (according to this book, that is why they need all those teeth).

all of a sudden, i was OK with the fact that we die.

and then it occurred to me

once we find something to believe in, that is when death will be OK.

hoof

there's a hoof of pig that the smaller dog owns. he chews on it when he feels like chewing on it. he brought it out of his room today.
i spotted the bigger dog sniffing around the hoof, look up, and snatch it up with his mouth the size of the little dog's lower back.
NO!
and the bigger dog jumps back. looks at me. i look at him.

THAT IS NOT YOUR BONE.

he looks at him. walks over apologetic. makes sure his nose touches me. and lays at my feet.

silence.

every 2 minutes we hear the little dog chewing at her hoof. nibble nibble nibble. walk away. nibble nibble nibble. walk away.

when she walks away... i see his big brown eyes look up at me. eyes the size of her paws. they look up. i look at the abandoned hoof. i look at his eyes. they look at the hoof.

and back she is to chew. nibble! scratch.

and he sits and waits.

she grabs the hoof and walks away. dropping it along the way.

he sits and waits. looks up at me. looks down. looks around like nothing is going on.

i wait. he inches closer. looks up at me. looks down. looks around.

i waste gas. drive from city to city. trying to stay away.

from home.

i look at all these numbnut couples. just staring straight ahead in their cars.

big cars. cars so big even my dad gets upset.

the closest of these couples is in fact having a nervous breakdown.
"i never in my wildest imagination thought it would be this way"
and all he wants to do is change a career.

but you see, when you strive for numbnut. change of career really screws up the entire thing, now doesn't it?

a kid got a haircut after i avoided him for a few days. maybe a week. the haircut looks like an upside down top-spin.

a woman spotted me in fairfax on the street. "i know you" she said. and i asked her name one more time, even though i remember the last time i saw her i asked her the same fucking thing. no good at names am i. "lisa" she says. and we update each other and move on. i mean, she was with her family of course. heaven forbid they be left behind.

i looked at the movie theatre. "huh. i've seen every god damned movie! my god!".

i read about a woman going to an ashram. i want more from her tho. the author. the author of "Eat Pray Love". she can be sarcastic (Check) and witty (check) and blah (check). but overall, i want more. congrats to her though for writing a book that will most likely pay for an apt. on the upper west. whew. thats done. now what?

i drive. city to city. i am a gas waster. i think about going to sausalito. to shoot pool by myself. i think about going to the mayflower. to drink a pint by myself. instead i get a salad, and content as a bee in a hive - people watch on a friday night.

too many people are getting pulled over these days for drunk driving. i don't need to be one of them. thats the reality of living in a place where you drive to your drink.

my mom is texting. she wants to know why i text "is your dream job to be a cake decorator?" she said "it used to be, but now i want to be retired." 2 hours later, she is obviously bothered by my question. so i text back "just curious."

i soaked in a bath with bath salts last night. last night i soaked with bathsalts in a bath.
i woke up around oh, 5am and felt NO PAIN!

my joints didn't creak. my back felt light.

if this is what it is like to soak in a bath filled with bathsalts.

then i'm going to soak in a bath filled with bathsalts every night. every night i will soak in a bath filled with bathsalts!

the parts that i think about the most.

ratatouie - the part where the mouse is cuddling and curled up in a ball. reminded me of rowdy.
there will be blood - wow. the shot where its dark, and you only see his red face on the screen is the shot i remember the best. wow. how is face changed.
no country for old men - the begining when lewelyn is walking around and you hear the ground crunch beneath his feet. that was my favorite part. hearing him breathe out in the open. and look at things through binocs.
27 dresses - the elton john bennie and jets part. of course the part where he says he cried like a baby at the fallon wedding. i started crying.
into the wild - the ocean scene. my god the ocean scene. and the bit where he screams.
persopolis - the iron maiden part. it was a great picture of youth.
juno - seeing the mom at the mall looking at children. seeing the mom feel juno's belly. seeing the mom get her baby.
the bucket list - seeing the 2 characters get depressed in the hospital together.
charlie wilsons war - the beginning part with all the coke.

bucket list (as of right now, obvs.)

in no order to speak of.

2. paint an oil painting
3. learn to sail
13. have a fruit bearing tree in my yard
14. learn the argentine tango.

growing long hair, or not cutting your hair, is such a display of patience and proposed femininity.

it must be even moreso as a man growing long hair. or maybe the feminine part is replaced by a "societal" part. when it comes to men growing long hair.

as hair gets longer - the time it took to grow the hair - makes you into something. something made up? something supposedly stronger and wiser - even if in the vain sense. you are stronger vain. you are wiser vain.

it is definitely not lazy. its not a product of lazy.

music video idea:
sideways silhouette of me lip-syncing The National. This would be done in front of a white sheet.

terrain

i want this.

2007 question thingy.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

went to chicago.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i didn't and will not make any resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

nope. unless you count flickr - in which case 8 of the coolest flickr contacts gave birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

the cold midwest.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

a real relationship.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
hmmm. i guess feb. 14th, because the knit shop closed.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

paying off 2 debts.

9. What was your biggest failure?

getting sloppy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i learned i have asthma.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

new dresses. makeup. nailpolish.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

my parents.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

my boss.

14. Where did most of your money go?
student loans.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
trivia nights at the mayflower.


16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

karen by the national

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

happier, fatter, richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

going out. being social.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

going to target.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

very very ill. on the couch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

only lust. but it sure felt like love. ;)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

the hills.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word.


24. What was the best book you read?

this mapping of the creative brain book.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the national. and elliott smith towards the end of the year.


26. What did you want and get?

laid.

27. What did you want and not get?
a trim waistline. ;)


28. What was your favorite film of this year?

into the wild.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

had dinner at las camillias. 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

being able to pay off loans.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

this year i really developed my own personal style. i wore dresses and short heels on the weekends. i wore scarves. and in the summer i wore an old fedora. i also splurged on cool sunglasses to bring the look together. also, it was a pleasure matching nail polishes. i loved my swimsuit.

32. What kept you sane?

the pool.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

they are kind of anti celebs - anna calderon.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

duh.

35. Who did you miss?

my new york friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

dan & audrey.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

slow down. take your time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
underline everything, i'm a professional, in my beloved white. shirt.

linny

i finally remembered to google the guy who stands outside the today show EVERY day.

so thats cool. i've always wondered what his job is. he is retired.

the today show keeps him sane. starts his day. helps him feel connected. they are his family.

while unemployed......... i kind of feel the same way about the today show folk.

2movies

i watched no country for old men today. i really can't take stressful movies - like killer movies, etc. but it was worth it for the cinematography. the beautiful tan-toned scenes were something to get excited about. they made me (as the coen brothers always do) want to be more creative. to take muted, worthy, "life" shots. that is the best i can explain.

second movie i watched was the black & white cartoon persopolis. it was so great in the moving way of "gut life" feelings. but the ending??????????? dunno. left me thinking i should have only paid matinee price. dang you!

well thats my take. good night.

the rules of unemployment

1. no weight gain. not even an ounce.

2. no soap operas

3. apply to at least 1, job per week day.

4. when your dog wants to cuddle, put down the laptop and cuddle.

5. ride your bike or go for a jog at least once a day.

6. join a community group that is free, and will benefit the mind.

7. volunteer.

8. go to matinee shows.

9. keep a clean house.

10. learn a musical instrument.

limbo

its almost like being in the middle of a real crisis. i mean bloodshed, life, etc. is better than simply being boring. limbo. unwanted. not needed.

why. because the crisis is the crisis. bills stop. survival starts. all you think about is how to survive. and then you do survive. or you do die.

limbo. boredom. things not working. bills still due. houses still to heat. these boring things. the mundacity of life. the things that become reality when you can't heat them. or start them. or feed them. start to hurt more than if you are worried you might step on a landmine.

but i have no idea what i am talking about.

at least i'm not sick in bed. but then again - see, if i was sick in bed i wouldn't be thinking about the boring. the lame. the not needed. i'd simply be focused on surviving.

which sometimes, is a lot more interesting than focusing on how to pay for the electric bill. or the new starter coil.

one of my photos is being discussed in greece/greek.

love the new flickr photostats. thanks flickr.

as i type from my sick bed i look up our horoscopes.

The Gemini personality may prove to be to restless for the Taurean nature. The two signs are emotionally at odds. the mercurian outlook on intimate matters does not sit well with the son or daughter of Venus. the Gemini loves a variety of thought, and delights in all mental pursuits, while the Taurean is mostly interested in the material things of life. The great sex drive of the Taurean could overpower the more docile Gemini.

seems as tho we are not the perfect of matches. i find myself wishing you were born in july - or maybe january, as i've been with capicorns and cancers and had a good time. the capicorn was an animal. and the cancer was too an animal in a punk way. in a zest for life way. but he was typical cancer - and very moody.
the capicorn didn't stay long enough for me to figure him out really. he did tell me his birthday is new years day. so thats cool.

so in the stars it looks like we are doomed.
in the roomed is looks like we are stars.
there is a general misunderstanding. i could see us fighting vesuvius fights. but i can also see us being sweet to each other at 73. you would be 70. i imagined holding your nice hand during the movie today.

do horoscopes apply to dogs too?

i really don't understand why i am getting sick all the time lately? i've started documenting the sick times on my calendar. "scratchy throat" on one day "bedridden" in another.
i mean, my head feels like it is in a straightjacket of pain. its locked filled with snot.
surprisingly the only thing that is soothing is playing blackbird on the guitar.
i spent an hour and a half tonight playing blackbird on the guitar, just to give my poor sniffling nose a break.

digital

someone came to our office the other day to give the lowdown on digital frames. did you know that bill gates has his art collection shown on huge flatscreens around his house??

whats the point?? d said the point was that he could then have the art sent to this place and that place and not "miss" it.

whats the point.

that really annoys me. is it true??

oh shit i never texted back whats his name. and whats his other name never texted me back. and then there's the name thats right in front of my face. because he dumped whats her name and now he's right in front of my face.
luckily whats her other name called me back and now we can be names and know names.
and the other other whats her name has issues with the name in front of my face so i don't really mention him much to whats her other other name.

ran into blood today. the blood is moving to oregon next week. going to san francisco to buy his one way ticket for the train.
you stopping by the family farm?
sure. its about a half hours time from where i will land.


killing time. won't stop. this crime. killing tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. won't stop. this crime. killing time........................ wont stop. this crime.

yep. still on elliott smith. but this time, its roman candle. just do yourself a favor and play the whole damn album 1nce a night before you go to bed. and then wake up and play it silently while strumming your air guitar. when you wake up. the whole damn thing. what is a roman candle?

so anyway, back to blood.
he was eating his vegan bites.
and talking about juicing mights.
going to live with a friend from school.
who's dad is dying. of cancer.
going to cleanse the dad and
get this
"cook" raw vegan food.
but........... raw food isn't cooked?
mr. practical and i stay quiet. bite our modest, tall lips. and sit next to each other. oh fuck thats another whole topic in and of itself.
so anyway. blood says he's gonna save the world with juice. raw juice. gonna slip the cost of a juice machine i tell yah.
so uh,,,,,,, you are just going to stay with them?
yeah. they own a tanning salon.
biting lips. knocking knees.

so whatdowegot?
former longhorns fan - i'm talking only bought longhorns shirts and hats and carried the longhorns flag around with him for good luck - goes vegan.
former cooking school guy - i'm talking fifty grand loan chef friends working in manhattan starter job was top 3 in san fran - goes raw.
raw vegan kid goes to oregon. makes sense.
to help a guy diagnosed with cancer. who owns a tanning salon.
you copy?

killing timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmme. won't stoppppppppppppppppppp this crime.

new blog

yet another new blog. my permanent blog-o is here.

http://www.hellodeer.com/blog.html

2 nights 2 days

hi. i left work on Friday at 5:30. Started working on my website at 6.
kept working on it until 1am.
slept.
woke up at 8am. worked on my website.
took rowdy for a walk. picked up geo. took an hour nap.
worked on my website until 12am.
slept.
woke up at 8. worked on my website.
took rowdy to the pond. walked around the farmers market. made a bagel cheese avocado sandwich.
worked on my website until now.

my hand has carpel tunnel, and my neck has a crink.

but i've got a website! so. at this point in time, i still have to do the "about me" section - which will include blogs, etc.

please visit.

HELLODEER DOT COM BITCHES

Hell!

oh dear..............

pro

i've listened to every live recording of st. ides heaven. this is the best one.

the moon is light bulb breaking.
it will go around with. anyone.
but it wont come down. for. anyone.

more elliott smith. current obsession. after the fact unfortunately........

Hell.

Oh Dear!

thems

what if some lives are simply meant to be remembered.
those canonized after death.
so basically, if they ever did get recognized, it probably would have spoiled their angst.
their thoughts on not making it.
the takes on loneliness.
and tears of heartbreak.
never being recognized.for anything really.
no lotto win.
no new dishwasher.
no grocery bonus from the grocery store for using your own bag instead of theirs - making you stressed out while you carry the eggs home. in your purse.
no public handholding

never really succeeding at anything
is a kind of life too. right?
a way of life.

zero zero zero zero

nothing. zip. nada.

9 days sober

wow i just ate a chocolate that said it was cookie dough covered in chocolate. it tasted like medicine. of a dishwash kind...

at work i am friends with people 20 years older than me. the people closer to my age are well, mean. and they whisper and glance. and they don't really smile all that much. i try to stick with the people who smile, and when you walk by them, they don't scowl - they whisper "you look beautiful when you smile. hold your head up and smile."

today while having lunch with one of those gorgeous co-workers, i listened while she talked about her engagement to someone 20 years older than her.
as i listened and look at her, i realized -
wow. life is long. wow. i mean, i have so much more to go.
i felt so lucky to have her as a friend.

and that is when i realized that i would look back and wish i would have known what i know now.

when you have those brief moments where you realize just how young and just how long this life is.
you straighten your pants, pull up your socks, tuck in your shirt, and try to muster all the knowledge you could possibly contribute to that instant.

trying to know what we know now can be a lot of work!

and then back to normal time. maybe a 4/4 measure. of just being in the moment.

i have 20 dollars. i will get something within 20 dollars.
i have a slice of bread. i will eat something with a slice of bread.
i have to take a walk. i will take a walk.
i have a song. i will play a song.

electronic baby

tonight at dinner kristin and i sat at the table next to a healthy couple who chat chat chatted away.
while their baby of about 1.5 years, held an iphone with cartoons playing.
i was shocked the baby could even "grab" or "hold", being that the thing couldn't really speak yet........
even still, it watched iphone cartoons, while chatty chat and chatticus chatter chatted along and hand diamonds flashed.

oops! baby hit the iphone screen. looks confused to mama.
no worry baby. i'll fix it for you. well here, actually i'll show YOU how to get back to the screen.
i can't be bothered.
whew. cartoon back on.

what where you saying about chatty chat?

i love the way your diamond catches the light.

pork

spark. spizz. spop.

my aunt georgia is on myspace under alaskan lady.

i'm freaking out now.

candy heats her eats with fingers that are divided into pudgy segments. with oval fingernails sculpted onto her fingertips.

carolyn accepted joes engagement proposition. where will you live? marin or the city?

maybe both.

he's older. by 20 years. so that makes him 70. what a life. i can't even imagine 40. its great how young i feel with marin folk. young. and stupid.

i've been thinking about stars. and selling cars. and once i get enough cars sold, i'll win a new car in the company contest. and then rowdy and i will drive to LA. and i'll have enough to survive. for a while. and then i'll get my quiet photo job. and we can be fancy on nights when we feel it. and beach on days when we reel it.

walking driving turning parking sucking shucking hucking sunning.

vincing vaughning abbying dancing deducing mocking driving turning.

stopping going drinking meeting.

eating poking prodding laughing shining dipping.

glass

cute nose. white tee. round spectacles. bowl haircut. 40 inch waist. 5'11 maybe 12.
so nervous as you asked me if i wanted the room to be dimmed.
fumbling with your computer screen.
stuttering about the confidentiality.
first marinite who had me wondering a words definition.
for some reason i walked away thinking you might be the one who needs what you gave me.
after asking permission of course.
i was unfortunately had to be the glass. and in the end it will all be based on permissions. and of course the coins that you so hesitantly gave me 300 of.
thanks.

1946

i've decided to pick a year, and be obsessed with it for a week or maybe 2 hours.

current year is 46.

reading that diane keaton, oliver stone, and suzane somers were born that year caused me to go "wow".

whats so great about being born?

and then gertrude stein, alfred steiglitz and w.c. fields all died. another wow.

garbage in garbage out.

world war 2 was officially over.

near

there was a black string thong laying on the garage floor, next to the head boss' porshe today.
you had to pass the dropped thong on the way to work, as it was also laying next to the door the building.
it was the talk of the town.
sure we all want it to be something insane,
but most likely it was a result of static cling.

a certain cling.

ouch

the goth is hurt.
backs gone out.
girl goth comes over.
candles lit. dark fabrics unfurled.
they laugh. he says ouch. so sweetly.
she says "don't laugh".

its funny how pain unites. there is a kid my neo geo brother rolls with. kid named gavin had a stoke last night. had to be brought to the hospital. huh? the hospital? geos says its a good thing his family will foot the bill. mom says "what are you talking about" geo says he ain't never goin to the hospital for nuthin'.
friend doesn't even get out of the car to help geo move.
yet geo says to mom that he wants his friends to simply hold him, and tell him everything is going to be OK.
if he had a stroke one day.
like gavin.

vas

is my mobile mechanic.

mechanic visit, originally uploaded by hellodeer.

from romania.
that means he is better than AAA. and much cheaper.
as long as you are okay with going with him to tow things
and tune things
and as long as you are okay with buying him coffee, and maybe another pack.
he's all yours.
he makes things called "magic bubble wands" on the side.
with his lawyer friend allen.
has a dog named rosie. that he also calls gigi, chichi, girlie, cutie, and muffy.
50's. lived in marin since 80. moved to nyc in the 70's.
has round classes like georgeburns.
wears pants like woody allen.
collects photo equipment, and bikes, and racecars of course.
really, vas is my godsend.
he lets me pay when i want. he is almost like a father to me. in the godfather of cars sense. no. he is ginger's father. ginger is my car.
he just wants me to be safe. and happy. as he says.
he says things like "funny accent" "have a happy evening" and "fucking hell" a lot.
he quit dope 6 months ago. but not cigs.
american spirits. cuz he's a true blood californian.
told me about a couple of trails in ignacio. with creeks.
i spent about 5hours with this man today. learning and listening to the ins and outs of his life.
he is a dating a romanian nanny in tiburon. her name is ann. anna in romanian.
she's gotta be young. i didn't ask.
he has a patchwork quilt. covered in grease, doghair, and a guitar.
i wonder what he plays. i'm sure oldworldromanian stuff.
has friends across the county. knows ed who can get me new seats.
knows joe - the mercedes mechanic.
vas specializes in german autos.
invited me over to read the bmw book he has.
but its in german. "thats the book i use to fix your car."
"okay vas. whatever you say."
"i fix your car for you."
"yes. thank you. but remember - i am not rich. i can put you on my payroll essentially. when i get paid - you get paid."
"lets shake on it."
"thanks vas. people like you don't exist today."
"i know. the world is crazy. yes?"
"just a little off."
"i make your car safe."
"thanks."

"i thought you made love like an ugly girl. so present. so grateful." -30 rock.

"stop eating those stale french fries mr. pigeon. have some self respect. don't you know you can fly?"

game

my office is in a building that also houses a creative company who sources for disney. we call the other building inhabitants the "disney kids".
the disney kids are fun. they fly helicopters in the open lobby

, originally uploaded by anise.

and once on break we found that they turned an empty hallway into a shooting range for nerf bullets. there is a target, and a gun setup. nerf means soft type bullets. like a nerf ball.
so the disney kids are primarily 1. male, 2. young, 3. single, 4. tech dorks, 5. loaded, 6. socially fucked because of number 4. seriously people. theses kids are glued to the computer screen.
either way - they are 1, 2, 3 and 5, so its a single woman's PARADISE.
over the past few months, our female office has been devising ways to infiltrate the disney kids office. we have had post-it wars, we have talked to them on break, and once, i ran into one of them at trivia night downtown on thursdays. but the main way i've infiltrated is this one time i saw one of them walking up the hill. i pulled over and offered him a ride. he was super cool and funny, and told me about the missing gnome that used to sit outside the office. so that was cool.
the point of my story: being in this office building setting is like being back in high school. you see all these cool people in the hallways on break - but never really talk to them? so over time you get to know their faces, and well, develop crushed on them, etc.
currently i've got 2 crushes going on. one with a tall guy, and one with a shorter guy - well he's probably just my height - but i consider that short in guy world. so the shorter one has more personality. you can tell by the way he dresses. also he hangs with the rougher crowd of tech nerds (ie the guy with the mowhawk, and the guy who smokes). the taller one looks very wholesome, and is proabably in a long term relationship. either way, its a crush. i'm pushing for the shorter one.
today on break, carolyn and i were out on the steps getting some sun. the shorter one was out in the hallway. i made eye contact, and then took a picture of one of the palm trees. kind of like a primal mating dance. i was saying to him "look i can be creative too." and he just stared. and then he went back to his office. a few moments later i caught him walking the hall again, watching us laugh and enjoy our break. so i snapped another picture (primal mating dance for creative types) and smiled.
can i just say this all makes my day? i mean, its something fun to look forward too. its a reason to dress smart.

ioway citay

josh foxhead
pretentious (sorry but)
scrapbook
quiet
aaron foxhead
"his bitch of a wife had him buried in CT" of f.l.w.
doesn't drive. doesn't plan on driving.
gave me a list of songbirds of which cardinal is a member
gave us a new route - 1 to 151 -
queens of dairy
people of pizza
quiet early night.
trying to understand relations. close proximity.
different languages

minnesota

jackie and dan
pine lake
american flag
back roads
parrot
cg's bar
bon jovi johnny cash elvis
pbr bud light
fat man on stool with orange hat, long beard and trucker wife.
jackie and dan.
doin'
truckin'
ed linda david
dallas party mustache

minne a polis

corpo skyways
target concert
suits
black with white
just a touch of red
chaos corpo like i've never seen.
slicked back hair.
all in a skyway connecting each office
above ground.

break in leaves

walker museum art
remember your art
walk your art
pictures
smoking on ledge thinking about being 5.

milwaukee

its miller time
pabst listed without the blue ribbon is six
GE engineers dinner
lake michigan barrier
sadie has a mansion
kyle knows his history
milwaukee knows its beer
great place for another visit.

chee kago

hot dog shops condiment piles
thick swede pancakes
breakfast sausage meet balls
big ticket items
carols smokey dancey oldtimey
no window bars
heavy on the bricks
liquor store bar
plaid shirt mustache mike
sing wilco opera
gutter roll national
airy trumpet shit
tummy tired a bit
curvy building oprah
campus fall walking

stuart starts his day with juice
sure that travel items not very green
of me
guilt but consume more

painful commercial
fast beer
lake! park space! RABBIT!
hazy emily with mosquito bites for breasts.
well maybe more like chicken cutlets
roman nose ponytail bopping boom
bears hat husky standing box
roommate rage
microwaved eggs
theatre thrift
frat grabs sponge at target. stuart anise laugh.
same brain theory.
lost in the ghetto
dabears explained duh beers
mymindisfilledwithsilverystars
reverbneverunderstoodtilnow
distancehasawayofmakingloveunderstandable
and i'm at my peak!
can'tgetenoughofthatradiocurereverb

slow curb

my learning curb is sometimes off. thing is, i'm actually pretty smart. i'm simply rather modest.
well, in a thinking sense. however. you can talk me into anything.
well, within reason.
drinking sure does make this lock with chain,,, break a bit.
and smoking sure does instill doubts and deeps.
deeps that mean nothing.
anyway.
i can i can i can
be upset
or
i am i am i am
amazing
boutiful
taco salad
fruit with oatmeal
chipper
mint with cacao.

i am
chickpeas and avocado.
sunflowerseedsbakedbeanscashewcheeseguac
daily special

hairspraybangs eyeswithlines dirtysweater girlswithhugs standbywork listenintoothers drinksomebeer keepheraround getmorebeer mtvmade 5.6ontherichterscale

oh yeah

i wish i could remember that cartoon i thought up while having a slice of pizza the other day.
and whats the morrisey about it, is that at the time i said "self: don't forget this one." and i said "of course i'm not going to forget. its brilliant!"
"maybe you should put it in a draft text message."
"but my battery is dead. that is a sign that i will remember"

i forget.

way

today i was reminded that i can't be bothered with someone looking after my hours and activities 40 hours a week.
there's got to be a better way.
until i find the better way.
i'll have to do it their way.
thats just the way it is.

new love

right here folks

yep. add another scruffy husky to the list. lets just call them scrufkys who knows where this love originates.

bluegrass fest was rad. i got to wear a fedora, and my plaid dress, and open-toed click heels, while walking around with my dog. rowdy is a great accessory - when he behaves...

i felt san francisco spirit this weekend again. so that was helpful, because ever since watching the bridge movie, i've been kind of in the dumps.

the bridge the movie about suicide during 2004 was NOT happy. so far, 34 people have jumped off the bridge this year. suicides are up. so is my obsession with the count on that damn bridge. 2 years ago i couldnt look at that bridge without feeling some kind of accomplishment. now i look at the bridge and am grab the closest thing next to me for a hug. 1 year ago i looked to the bridge for pride - biking across the bridge daily, filled my life with accomplishment.
my point? take caution in watching the movie: THE BRIDGE.

there are better things to talk about.

my 16th one true love jim james is in BECOMING DYLAN -

ffwd

remember when you loved a song so much that you wanted to memorize the lyric?
but then the band didn't put any lyrics on the cover?
so you would listen and listen. and rewind play rewind play rewind play?
your ears would be put to the speaker, and you would say "no wait-! rewind again! i think he's saying this-"?
now i only do that in the car. but i'm driving while i do it so its not the same. so i say "i'll google it when i get back home"

we don't work for our lyrics anymore do we?

again

they sure do pick beautiful people to be on the biggest loser. i mean, these people have amazing faces.

she said into the phone on her way home from chalet basque:

we had a good time together. no. i mean,
we
had
a
good
time!!!

we had fun!

it was raining every day.
it was raining!

we smoked bowls together. we made fires!
we planned smoking bowls while we got burritos.

we got burritos, brought them home, smoked a bowl, and then ate the burrito.

no.

we got home from work, looked at each other, jumped up and down, and said "lets get burritos and watch big lebowski.

high!

and then we got burritos, set up the dvd player, and smoked a bowl.

we shared the dog.
we shared a DOG!

it was raining every day.

we listened to music. and drank wine.
we got high, ate burritos, and listed to music while talking about life.

we talked about life!
we got high, ate burritos, listened to music, drank wine and talked about life.

while petting the dog.

eat eat eat!

ya think those biggest loser contestants totally BINGE LIKE HELL the night before showing up for taping at NBC?

Like hell i would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT.

i'd eat:
uh, ice cream i guess.

funny. just like being accepted to gawker comments (gawments) today, i couldn't think of anything to comment. so it was like "duh". and now. i'm asking my own self "hey, if you could have one last meal, what would you have?" and i'm like "uh, duh. ice cream?"

its like that.

anyway. yah think they binge like mad? yah think NBC tells them to binge, so they look even FATTER on the first episode so the "look back at her fat ass" makes more of an impact???

i'll bet YEAH!

thank god jennifer garner has nothing but love and a hug for britney.

too bad kanye was upset about not winning any vma's poor baby.

my roommates. the history thereof. i feel like i've done this before. but after checking, i havent.

1. Idaho summer of 1995. House of 6 girls:
-Amy - from Thousand Oaks Cali. She was loud & fun! would run in the mornings, was rich, and had pizzaz! we were the same size, so we shared clothes. She had platinum blonde hair.
-Mindy & Amy (there were 2 amy's in our house) They were sisters from Issaqua Washington. They loved the outdoors. one was blonde & one brunette.
-2 Korean girls. They got me hooked on sticky rice. I sequentially gained my freshman 15 - not on beer, but on sticky rice........
2. Fall & spring 1996 (Idaho). 6 more girls:
-Rachel: Walnut Creek California. Was on the Volleyball team. Taught me about rap appreciation. Had hip California friends. Her father was a surgeon so she had amazing clothes for the time - a ton of doc martens, cool flannels, cool perfume. Every year i try to search her, but can never find her. She is married with kids now to a guy that i actually had a crush on. Jim.
-Kim: was dating rob. he was on the baseball team, she was on the volleyball team. from laramie wyoming. funny, but was always with rob.
-Olivia: we stayed friends for ever. she was from salt lake, brilliant, insecure, and so much fun she made my year and influenced my life. She is now an author in NYC.
-Teresa: hated me. and I hated her because she hated me. She called me fat, and she hated my laugh. I thought she was boring, and ugly.
-Shelly: Bleached her hair, and was in nutrition major. made killer pasta. dated a guy named walter. they are also married now. She covered her hair in tomato paste and horse tail cream in between dyes.
-Wendy: probably a closet lesbian. brunette.
3. Fall & Spring 1997 (Idaho) House of 6 girls.
-Elizabeth: long blonde from michigan. moved to new york with me. she had a rivalry with melissa.
-Melissa: we had the same birthday. her major was outdoor survival. she was the most interesting. made out with the most boys. was crazy fun. wish i knew where the hell she is.
-Sarah: Melissa's friend from Texas. One of the most insecure, skinniest people i've ever met. had a cute laugh, but never let it show. She adored me.
-Joy: half deaf. Elizabeth defended her all the time. I could never understand poor Joy.
-forgot her name. She was from Idaho, had a controlling boyfriend who made her give him blowjobs in his car. She could never break up with him, and then she mysteriously dropped out of college. We think she got pregnant.
4. Summer 1996 - Alaska fishing camp in King Salmon, AK. Amber was my roommate & she opened my world. Taught me about lesbians, auras, and bob marley. She drew my aura, and invited me to Burning Man after the fishing season was over.
5. Summer of 1999 - Italy/Europe with SUNY Purchase. Anna. She was my first Jewish friend. Photographer. Writer. Studied film. Introduced me to the history of film, a bunch of jewish survivors across europe, suffered from anorexia and bulimia! was a cutter and a nympho. does not talk to me anymore. no matter how hard i try. was one of the funniest, most humorous people i've ever met. i would laugh so hard with her that my voice would be horse the next day.
6. 2000 - 14th street Manhattan: The Katherine House. Now. This was a unique situation, because the first place where i lived in new york was an old school womens housing building where young professional women could live and eat for weekly fees. i was able to get my first job, save money, etc. and meet a ton of women like me. so i met:
-becky - writer who was interning at harpers and george plimton.
-bonnie - from n.j. social worker, but was spunky. red hair. she said i looked like charlize theron.
-tara k. - wow. this chick changed my world! she hung out with models, did coke of russians, rode in suv's with berdorf goodman heirs. and for some reason she always picked me to hang with......i still don't get it. she was my "beautiful people" experience. f.i.t., now she works at coach.
-my next door roomie - she was an actress who was like a mini/young bette midler. think beaches & young bette midler. that was her.
7. 11th street Manhattan:
-Hillary. Called her Hill-bitch. from Canada. Fucking knock your pants off funny. chick graduated from Northwestern in acting, so knew a bunch of actors. One of which is now on HBO. She had to leave the US because of green cards. girl could never find any work. poor kid. and had a failed relationship with austin who worked in tribeca at the popular restaurnat there.
-Lauren - wow. intense girl who was only there for a short minute. met her boyfriend at starbucks. moved to hollywood adn was on a show on WB for a couple seasons. was from oklahoma.
-Marcus - greek, intense struggling actor. he was a trainer, and had all of these grand ideas. every year he sends a mucho intenso christmas card. blessing us all.
8. summer 2001 East Hampton - becky. so much fun. we simply laughed our asses off all summer at this house we were managing. she is british. we have stayed friends forever.
9. Laurie - she was my friends sister. she was a lot of fun. breif. she moved to branson to be a singer in a show there. now she is travelling on cruise ships as an entertainer. she was blonde. still keep in touch.
10. James - was my first guy roommate where it was slightly akward because it was just james and i. i think we had a crush on each other in the beginning. but then it went away. this kid was british. he would drink so hard on teh weekends, he would stumble home, and keep all the lights on. 3 times he opened my door and just stood in the doorway. he ended up being one of the best roommates because he had a job in DC where he travelled there m-f.
11. Kelly. Mormon - only a summer on 14th street. i was monumentally depressed. that was the summer the lights went out. i don't remember a damn think about poor virgin kelly.
12. Mill Valley, CA 2005 -
-Mike - was my first roommate crush. we both just moved to the area from the east coast. it was a rainy winter. it was like we were married. he fixed thing, and i cleaned things. all we did was get high, eat burritos adn watch big lebowski. again. and again. and again. and then summer hit, the rain stopped, and we lost our apartment.
-Matt - the most successful stoner i've ever met. kid smoked about 3 bowls a day. kid walked around with a bong in his hand. made 6 figures, and moved to denver.
13. San rafael, CA 2007
I'm still living it, so comments later. but its a interesting mix.

smoke a bowl, make out.

my roommates here compare salsa heat.
"oh yeah? try this one."
"well its not as hot as this one"
"oh i why didn't you tell me you wanted something lethal"
"i got this in honduras off a dead man holding a baby."
"this one is from under the 18th rock 5 miles away from a scorpion den on the 89th parallel of texas."

you can see where i'm going with this. who's got the biggest whoo haa.

okay so these roommates do that. makes me miss the days on 11th on West Hudson where my other roommates would compare acting gigs. living with actors was always a story! every day story after story. the most struggling off all the actors was hillary from canada. one on particular day she came home DEFEATED. "i was so excited about this ad where they needed a hip girl (she had the hip look at the time). and then i read through the audition and realized it was a herpes ad"

and i thought this type of stuff was saved for sitcoms. not really.

someday i will write up a list of roommates - start to finish. i wonder the quirks people would say about me? when i write that up, i'll include myself in there, and you can try to guess which one i am.

i'll do this tomorrow, because i have nothing to do tomorrow. aside from lay on my porch naked because all of my roommates are out of state, i will walk the dog, and write up a history of my roommates. or, roommates, a history thereof.

toni frissel was/is the photographer of the day on wikipedia. she was rad. married to francis bacon too. her quote, however, got me thinking.
"i'd rather stalk with a camera than a gun."
obviously this was before the age of paparazzi. seems so innocent until you imagine diana dead in a tunnel, or lindsay now uninsurable for hollywood.

more of her water pics -

my current inspiration -

calculator

sometimes at work, i have(get) to "crunch numbers". i like "crunching numbers" and just LOVE my fingers gliding over my big button calculator.
when i crunch numbers on the calculator, i pretend that my rocker boyfriend has hired me to work the books at his band's studio in portchester, because - "she's good with numbers."
instead of sitting corpo, wearing corpo clothes, i'm seated on a metal swivel chair with a pleather green cushion. i am wearing a black t-shirt, fedora, and jean shorts.
i've got smeared eyeliner, because well, we do it all the time.
as in most fantasies.
and we just finished doing it before he had to run out for some lunch with one of his buddies from back home, who just got a construction job working with the MTA, and on this particular day he is working on the new haven line, parked at portchester for lunch. the construction worker eats roast beef, my boyfriend - turkey.
i told him to bring me some coleslaw from the deli on his way back to the studio.
while he's out, i put my feet up on the desk, smoke a cigarette, and put lavender diamond on the record player.
its bright out - a sunny humid day- but i blare 'oh no' - which then moves me to get up and stomp around for a few seconds, before sitting again, to finish my smoke.
maybe i have a dog - no - i had a dog. i think about him. think about his obsession with tennis balls and me, and then my boyfriend returns with coleslaw, a surprise twinkie (cuz thats our thing) a plastic fork & the typical east coast pile of napkins to wipe the mouths of 5,000.

nus obmam

Beneath the bebop moon
I want to croon with you
Beneath the Mambo Sun
I got to be the one with you

My life's a shadowless horse
If I can't get across to you
In the alligator rain
My heart's all pain for you

Girl you're good
And I've got wild knees for you
On a mountain range
I'm Dr. Strange for you

Upon a savage lake
Make no mistake I love you
I got a powder-keg leg
And my wig's all pooped for you

With my heart in my hand
I'm a hungry man for you
I got stars in my beard
And I feel real weird for you

Beneath the bebop moon
I'm howling like a loon for you
Beneath the mumbo sun
I've got to be the one for you

dear old craig

my friend craig sends many to my door.
many filled with promises
and many who've filled a whore.

scarf laces

taliban scarf
florescent laces

more accessories than me.

dry grass
high heels

the hill was the places to be.

rocking this way
rocking that way

made it easy to fall.

drive to water

after my flight landed, i drove south to laguna beach.

way to crowded. i DID manage to park my car, and walk to the beach. i took off my sandals & ran to the water. after feeling how warm and inviting the pacific can ACTUALLY be... i decided to go to the nearest store, buy a towel & waterproof sunscreen, use the bathroom to change into my cute new swimsuit. once equipped, i simply drove down the coast and stopped at various beaches along the way.

park.
sandy walking.
towel and bag shuffle.
drop drawers lift shirts
fear crash laugh smash.
running with waves
mesh with water
12 years old.
dry off sun
back in car
chorus.

sunglasses & fucking hot ass jeans

i always always always forget how goodlooking LA really is. it really really really is is is all about wearing the sexiest jeans, and the hippest shiniest sunglasses.

thats all.

both in their sexiest of formats will run you upwards of 400 dollars. combined, so thats a relief.

of course i found the sexiest pair of jeans here, and bought them. spending like oh 200 on jeans in LA is like one text message to your friend of guilt. "how much should i spend on jeans?" "170" "these are 158" "thats a steal. plus you are meeting paul on sunday." "done"

and sunglasses? don't even get me started.

aside from sunglasses and jeans, everything else is pretty much thrown to the wind.

unless of course, you DON'T have the attitude(body) to back up the jeans and sunglasses.

if you don't have the body(attitude) to back it up?

don't live in LA.