in astoria oregon, they announce ship updates concerning the harbor, over public radio. you turn on your radio, and they talk about them in a human - female - sense. "bessie is a 2-ton carrier. she rolled in last night bringing cars. she's waiting for the tide to rise, before she docks."
to be quite quite, i did take me a minute to figure out that they were talking about a boat. a large vessel.

del mar was the first beach on my trip through the oregon coast. we (rowdy and i) pulled in, and ran free. oh the sand dunes. the grass. the angels at which the grass grew? or was blowing with the permanent wind.

then there was a section that was so gutterly that i only remember it in black and white. reminded me of my overnight trip to venice from vienna where we went through the dolmites and only got silent glimpses of these incredible mountains. on the coast, you got breif glimpses - while the sun was rising - of incredible rainforests, mosses, branches, oceans, rocks! rocks! rocks!. and then it was over. until the next breif opening in the hwy or trees.

another thing about the oregon coast is that sometimes you get glimpses of the logging. behind these beautiful road walls, you would see smoldering vacant hills of stumps. and then trees. and then smoldering hills of stumps. hundreds of them. and then trees. something you would never see in california. in california that scene is replaced by homeless.

in bandon there were cranberry bogs and rich men. and my aunt georgia. trying to make it happen with her man.

and then we got to eureka! it was nice. it was hippies lost paul bunyons with a connection. bolinas with some organization.

in california you can see all the wires. they are exposed. you can see all the potholes. but i was travelling a more popular road. so that makes sense.

shorts rundown

pigeon movie - cute. but should not win award.
russian monet looking love story - a bit too dramatic? but nice for a fable.
wooden doll train story - interesting. loved her eyes.
peter and the wolf - russian. brilliant. absolutely.
i met the walrus - john lennon interview - double brilliant. made about 8 people in teh audience go "HUH".

danish cancer film - so long. made me say "those danes are turning up the dramer"
italian teacher movie - brilliant. the short was dedicated to those who cannot follow the rules.
romanian theif movie - getting tired.
tonto woman - hm. interesting? no ending tho.
tango movie - so cute. big smile from me.

laptop culture

how many of us have crinks in our necks from laying in bed with our laptops?

can i see a set of hands. can i see some hands raised.

how many of us have made love to our laptops?

how many of us have names for our laptops?

how many of us were given a laptop?

how many of us saved for a laptop?

how many of us need to set rules and guidelines about when we turn off our laptops?

how many of us travel with our laptops?
some people cry at the yes you can video. don't get me wrong, i was pretty dang close myself.

i cried when i got my brother voicemail and he had on not a voice recording - but a recording of 'you never give your money. you only give me your funny papers.' 'out of college money spent. see no future. pay no rent. all the moneys gone. nowhere to go.'

cried because it was my abbey road he stole. and well, because i love my brother like he is my own child. he makes me scream inside. there are conflicting interests.

another thing that might make some cry, but got me pretty dang close was this.
yeah. i got out of bed to get my laptop and delete my facebook account. it was bugging me THAT. MUCH.

do i really need to go into detail about why it was bugging me that much? or can we just pretend like that site never happened?

the first

i eat well. i choose only the finest foods. even on unemployment. i know the best burritos. i know the best fish tacos. i've tried every hamburger in marin.

bran muffin from the cake shop in larkspur.

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
pepper & salt
soft, heirloom tomato

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
cranberry sauce
pepper & salt

i had some kind of stomach virus in my upper bowels last night. throwing up, etc. all i could do was lay in the fetal position in bed - heat in the house had to be turned up to 70, as i was also experiencing the chills.

i got through 8 chapters of a book. she finally found love. love that splices from her fingernails to her toenails. i haven't finished the book yet.

when i wasn't reading. i just lay there.

thinking about money. about bowels. about how aunt linda got 2 feet of her bowels removed this week. everyone is rooting for her. all of our family is convening in oregon at the farm, to help. clutching the bibles. hushing the babies.

aunt linda is my favorite. she runs the family farm. she calls me honey. says i crack her up. we bake together. uncle steve loves me too. he builds houses for her. he works in oil. he bought the farm for fun. i help him bale hay.

our bowels are so crucial. like they are the organizers. the trash. the extractors. they didn't like something i shoved down them. "fuck you". my bowels won. see, nature always wins.

rowdy lay next to me the whole time. looking at me. snoring. shifting. looking at me. snoring. breathing heavily - having his shaking dreams. looking at me. i just held him through the OK parts. and then put my back to his during the ANGUISH parts. this helped keep my back warm. i imagined my mom rubbing my back. and just breathing with a sigh after she had exhausted all efforts to make me feel better. rubbing her feet together while rubbing my back. i tell her to stop rubbing her feet together its bugging me.

i thought about how it might be nice to be someones first wife. i wouldn't mind if someone asked me to be their "first" wife.

i would make a fine first wife. cooking this. baking that. having sex whenever however. sure. walking the dogs. cutting hair. no kids. not unless our first marriage last longer than 5. and then we would start bickering. i would start making suggestions about things. little things.
"don't you know when you steam mussels that you should use a smaller pan than that? save energy."
"when you start the car, you don't need to have your foot on the clutch."
you would give me that look of despair. at one point. and then i would start to feel black. you stay away from home. i pretend to be busy.

i didn't even have the energy to turn out the lights.
walking around during the workweek at malls and shops and stores. babies cry. typically i leave the store immediately. i have a very strong aversion to crying babies & the sound of commercials. i'd rather be swan diving off the golden gate, than listen to either.

so anyway, the babies cry and i leave and enter another.
baby starts crying.
i leave. find another.

after the third store of this, i go home. i'd rather be home than in these crying stores.

a girl sent an email the other day about how her marriage is off. they called the whole thing off. the email was filled with sentences that made me cringe. however, i wasn't surprised.

from the first day i met the couple together, i knew it was doommed. he was a nice quiet man, she was a nice woman with an agenda. in month 2 of them dating, she suggested he moved in. he quietly did. in month 3 of them dating she suggested she have another baby. he silently objected. then about 4 months later, they sent an engagement email. 3 months after that, the breakment email.

as i was driving today through the novato heat, i wondered why all the rushing?

quiet men. rushing women.
whats cool about unemployment (one of the many things) is that i can wear the same outfit everyday.

not out of laziness, out of passion for the outfit. like margo tennenbaum. given that teh outfit does not smell, i can wear it until its wearing me.

i have nothing to do
i have something to do
i have no one to do
i have someone to do
to do the middle

a face filled with cells
drooping when feel tired
eyes pound
contacts out
oxygen in.

breath in through your nose and out through your nose. no need to worry if you hear a sound in the back of your throat.

they say this as yoga starts every morning.

mountain pose. sun pose. warrior pose. sunflower pose.

breathe in breathe out.

waiting for a day when i can see you. someone who interests me.
actually waiting to see about 4 people that i will see this year that interest me.
all successful and failful.

i want my fingertips to burn.
i want my palms to sweat
i want my pulse to race.

cutting this. eating that. buying things. biking things. meeting.

of death and the tooth fairy.

i was reading a book about the tooth fairy for bedtime, while i was babysitting.

it occurred to me

i want to be the tooth fairy when i die. i want to go around to rooms around the country (can i just be an american tooth fairy?) and collect little teeth for the queen fairy's castle (according to this book, that is why they need all those teeth).

all of a sudden, i was OK with the fact that we die.

and then it occurred to me

once we find something to believe in, that is when death will be OK.


there's a hoof of pig that the smaller dog owns. he chews on it when he feels like chewing on it. he brought it out of his room today.
i spotted the bigger dog sniffing around the hoof, look up, and snatch it up with his mouth the size of the little dog's lower back.
and the bigger dog jumps back. looks at me. i look at him.


he looks at him. walks over apologetic. makes sure his nose touches me. and lays at my feet.


every 2 minutes we hear the little dog chewing at her hoof. nibble nibble nibble. walk away. nibble nibble nibble. walk away.

when she walks away... i see his big brown eyes look up at me. eyes the size of her paws. they look up. i look at the abandoned hoof. i look at his eyes. they look at the hoof.

and back she is to chew. nibble! scratch.

and he sits and waits.

she grabs the hoof and walks away. dropping it along the way.

he sits and waits. looks up at me. looks down. looks around like nothing is going on.

i wait. he inches closer. looks up at me. looks down. looks around.
i waste gas. drive from city to city. trying to stay away.

from home.

i look at all these numbnut couples. just staring straight ahead in their cars.

big cars. cars so big even my dad gets upset.

the closest of these couples is in fact having a nervous breakdown.
"i never in my wildest imagination thought it would be this way"
and all he wants to do is change a career.

but you see, when you strive for numbnut. change of career really screws up the entire thing, now doesn't it?

a kid got a haircut after i avoided him for a few days. maybe a week. the haircut looks like an upside down top-spin.

a woman spotted me in fairfax on the street. "i know you" she said. and i asked her name one more time, even though i remember the last time i saw her i asked her the same fucking thing. no good at names am i. "lisa" she says. and we update each other and move on. i mean, she was with her family of course. heaven forbid they be left behind.

i looked at the movie theatre. "huh. i've seen every god damned movie! my god!".

i read about a woman going to an ashram. i want more from her tho. the author. the author of "Eat Pray Love". she can be sarcastic (Check) and witty (check) and blah (check). but overall, i want more. congrats to her though for writing a book that will most likely pay for an apt. on the upper west. whew. thats done. now what?

i drive. city to city. i am a gas waster. i think about going to sausalito. to shoot pool by myself. i think about going to the mayflower. to drink a pint by myself. instead i get a salad, and content as a bee in a hive - people watch on a friday night.

too many people are getting pulled over these days for drunk driving. i don't need to be one of them. thats the reality of living in a place where you drive to your drink.

my mom is texting. she wants to know why i text "is your dream job to be a cake decorator?" she said "it used to be, but now i want to be retired." 2 hours later, she is obviously bothered by my question. so i text back "just curious."